D=

While walking back home today, I noticed that the evening sky was an exceptional light blue, with puffy little white clouds dotted it. Flowers of all sorts of radiant colours bloomed along the path which I was walking; must have been due to the long and heavy downpour this morning. I felt a slight cool breeze brushing across my face, smelling the wonders of nature and its beauty. It was so pretty; full of lightness, full of optimism; there was simply so much life in it! Yet sadly, my heart was the exact opposite; hard, cold and heavy!

It happened about 2 weeks ago, again! The sudden plunge into nothingness, the feelings of being lost totally; it all surged right upon me at one go. My mind went astray. All kinds of thoughts keep flooding through. It's like I had lost all sense of control, failing to stop the negative thoughts from coming through. In that way, I sank deeper. I had no strength to fight back, thus allowing these thoughts to just manifest in my mind. I felt absolutely horrid and miserable.

I told myself, it's just a phase, and hope it'll go away soon. Meanwhile, all the symptoms were exactly the same as the previous times I experienced this. I particularly took note of one of it, which was not being able to sleep well. I would just wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, and then have difficulty going back to sleep. That made me real crappy the following day. I also tried to find out what had caused this. I felt that I was perfectly normal before it happened. Hence, there certainly must be a trigger point for which I would sink into this crap once again right?

I honestly hate this! It's so psychologically draining, as I have to struggle to keep myself from going crazy. Have to keep telling myself to stay optimistic, to only have positive thoughts, to not let the negative ones conquer my mind. It was a constant battle for my consciousness, for I fear that the moment I slacken and allow myself to unwind a little, all this crap would return instantly to haunt me again. It sucks, so much so that I wish to just give up. But I cannot do that right? That's just not me. I have been living with this all the while, and each time it has happened, I managed to overcome it and be back to normal. So how can I just choose to give up now?

Hai. So 2 weeks have passed, and yes, I'm much better right now. It's just that now and then, these heavy feelings of misery will set in, just like now. Oh wells. What more can I do? All I wish is that after this is over, I hope it will not return in a long time to come.

I just want to be normal and optimistic. So please let me.