This is not the first time...
This is not the second time...
This is not the third time...
I will overcome this!
I'll stay alive!
I'll fight you and own you!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Losing It All
Once again, I fight this battle alone! I sometimes wish that there could be someone out there suitable to hear me out. Yet I've been searching to no avail. And so I just bottle it all up, keeping mum about the very issues that is degrading my mind and soul. Cannot stop it, don't know how to stop it, somehow this just never ends! So far, it seems like it's the blog that has been keeping my sanity, allowing me to release some of the inner stress relentlessly on it without it retaliating. If only this little blog could become a real person with the same qualities, hai!
Obviously TPO is part of the problem. The other part is of something which I find it really difficult to say. And how many will then be able to tolerate me anymore if they choose to hear me out?! The thought of people shunning away from me is just so unbearable. Hai. And so I choose to just keep quiet about it, hoping that the problem will dissipate with time. Unfortunately that didn't happen, and it simply presses on so much I have practically no breathing space left. I don't know what else to do anymore. Sat at one corner and let it all out, breaking down, allowing the tears to flow. Felt slightly better, but the issue is still as omnipresent as before. There's just so much misery, fear, agony and whatsoever that I simply am losing control of it all. One may think it's all just dumbness, well maybe it's true. Bah, I don't know what else to say and I am getting less coherent right now. ARGHZ.
I shall just want to rant on and on about TPO. Thanks to super upstair, I will have to book in tonight instead, as the once promised half day off is now void and not refunded! Purpose of booking in tonight?! Coz super upstair has this super lame idea for a cohesion day of the entire batallion, to get everyone to watch the Euro Final tonight!!! ARGHZ!! How more dumb can the TPO be huh?! Forcing one to watch something when one has no interest in it at all?! Furthermore making everyone having to assemble in the middle of the night at 3am?! Is this the right thing to do?! Damn it! If only the off was given as planned, I would be a much happier person now, knowing that I can book in tomorrow at 1pm, rather than 11pm later! Crap man!
7 more months and part of my sanity will be regained. The other part will probably just be lost totally thanks to TPO. I freaking hate this organisation. Making me work 6 days a week, wasting my precious time away, having no sense of accomplishment at all. Hai. Tired. Sometimes I just wish to sleep it all away, never having to wake up to deal with all this crap. Sometimes it just feels so good to be able to sleep on and on and not having to face with all these issues. How I hope this could be over ASAP. I want my life back! :(
Obviously TPO is part of the problem. The other part is of something which I find it really difficult to say. And how many will then be able to tolerate me anymore if they choose to hear me out?! The thought of people shunning away from me is just so unbearable. Hai. And so I choose to just keep quiet about it, hoping that the problem will dissipate with time. Unfortunately that didn't happen, and it simply presses on so much I have practically no breathing space left. I don't know what else to do anymore. Sat at one corner and let it all out, breaking down, allowing the tears to flow. Felt slightly better, but the issue is still as omnipresent as before. There's just so much misery, fear, agony and whatsoever that I simply am losing control of it all. One may think it's all just dumbness, well maybe it's true. Bah, I don't know what else to say and I am getting less coherent right now. ARGHZ.
I shall just want to rant on and on about TPO. Thanks to super upstair, I will have to book in tonight instead, as the once promised half day off is now void and not refunded! Purpose of booking in tonight?! Coz super upstair has this super lame idea for a cohesion day of the entire batallion, to get everyone to watch the Euro Final tonight!!! ARGHZ!! How more dumb can the TPO be huh?! Forcing one to watch something when one has no interest in it at all?! Furthermore making everyone having to assemble in the middle of the night at 3am?! Is this the right thing to do?! Damn it! If only the off was given as planned, I would be a much happier person now, knowing that I can book in tomorrow at 1pm, rather than 11pm later! Crap man!
7 more months and part of my sanity will be regained. The other part will probably just be lost totally thanks to TPO. I freaking hate this organisation. Making me work 6 days a week, wasting my precious time away, having no sense of accomplishment at all. Hai. Tired. Sometimes I just wish to sleep it all away, never having to wake up to deal with all this crap. Sometimes it just feels so good to be able to sleep on and on and not having to face with all these issues. How I hope this could be over ASAP. I want my life back! :(
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Gotcha!
Lol! Oh my! I cannot believe that I had actually successfully tricked my entire bunk mates into believing that I would be on my way to Bangkok this very moment! What makes it even more comical is the absolute bizarre of the whole tall tale and yet all of them still chose to trust my words! Haha. The entire story goes like this.
Coz I told them I would be going to the airport straight after the ndp combined rehearsal (which seriously sucks!). This is still true, with the main objective of fetching my sister, who has gone on a holiday trip to Taiwan for the past 2 weeks, together with her Taiwan buddy. Yet I did not tell them this, but instead decided to conjure up some nonsense, trying to be funny. Hence I told them that my mother actually spotted some real great deals from a budget airline, whereby flying to Bangkok cost only around 100 bucks per person. Coupled with the fact that my sis had brought her Taiwan buddy back here, my family thought it would be appropriate to just bring her around places NEARBY Singapore. So we decided to get the tickets, and since my sis's Taiwan buddy won't be here for long, we made it just a ONE DAY trip! Flying off at 1am and arriving back Singapore at 6pm the next day, just nice for me to book in back to camp! Lololol!
At first all of them could not believe, coz who in the right mind would go overseas for just ONE DAY?! Yet with my great acting skills, I actually managed to get all of them to buy my story! Hahaha. This is seriously damn funny. So now I must come up with something to tell them how the trip went, and got to explain why I didn't get any souvenirs for them (I obviously can't! Since I'm right now in Singapore typing! Haha.)! Oh wells. I thought of saying like there was some unrest in the city, and hence we couldn't venture out much. So just got a hotel and rotted away, before it was time to return back to Singapore. Lol. This sure is going to be even more funny than ever! :D
Anyway, had NDP CR2 today. Freaking tired right now as I type. Whole body is burnt thanks to the unforgiving blistering hot sun, and I just seem to be emitting more heat than usual. Feeling like crap man. Was playing the role of a camera man at the CR2, but ain't very happy with the photos I took. Quite upset especially for the photos I took during the firing, most were ugly and not up to standards! Hai. Well, just got to wait for the verdict from the super upstair! I guess my head is gonna just roll when he sees those photos. ARGHZ! Wish to be placed back to security team coz it really is less pressurising than this photo taking job!
And so there's a guest in my house now that came thousand of miles away from Taiwan, my sis's buddy! So elated to be able to see her once again, yet too bad I won't have much time to spend with her, thanks to TPO as usual. Ah wells, am dead beat now. So nites!
Coz I told them I would be going to the airport straight after the ndp combined rehearsal (which seriously sucks!). This is still true, with the main objective of fetching my sister, who has gone on a holiday trip to Taiwan for the past 2 weeks, together with her Taiwan buddy. Yet I did not tell them this, but instead decided to conjure up some nonsense, trying to be funny. Hence I told them that my mother actually spotted some real great deals from a budget airline, whereby flying to Bangkok cost only around 100 bucks per person. Coupled with the fact that my sis had brought her Taiwan buddy back here, my family thought it would be appropriate to just bring her around places NEARBY Singapore. So we decided to get the tickets, and since my sis's Taiwan buddy won't be here for long, we made it just a ONE DAY trip! Flying off at 1am and arriving back Singapore at 6pm the next day, just nice for me to book in back to camp! Lololol!
At first all of them could not believe, coz who in the right mind would go overseas for just ONE DAY?! Yet with my great acting skills, I actually managed to get all of them to buy my story! Hahaha. This is seriously damn funny. So now I must come up with something to tell them how the trip went, and got to explain why I didn't get any souvenirs for them (I obviously can't! Since I'm right now in Singapore typing! Haha.)! Oh wells. I thought of saying like there was some unrest in the city, and hence we couldn't venture out much. So just got a hotel and rotted away, before it was time to return back to Singapore. Lol. This sure is going to be even more funny than ever! :D
Anyway, had NDP CR2 today. Freaking tired right now as I type. Whole body is burnt thanks to the unforgiving blistering hot sun, and I just seem to be emitting more heat than usual. Feeling like crap man. Was playing the role of a camera man at the CR2, but ain't very happy with the photos I took. Quite upset especially for the photos I took during the firing, most were ugly and not up to standards! Hai. Well, just got to wait for the verdict from the super upstair! I guess my head is gonna just roll when he sees those photos. ARGHZ! Wish to be placed back to security team coz it really is less pressurising than this photo taking job!
And so there's a guest in my house now that came thousand of miles away from Taiwan, my sis's buddy! So elated to be able to see her once again, yet too bad I won't have much time to spend with her, thanks to TPO as usual. Ah wells, am dead beat now. So nites!
Monday, June 23, 2008
A Distress Signal...
53.8kg! Oh no. I think this's really bad. Why's my weight dropping so drastically?! Hai. I've been eating quite consitently now, even forcing myself to take supper! That's like 4 meals in a day! And then I've been snacking quite a lot as well. So why has my weight dipped this much? This is really worring. I just wish to gain back some mass, reach the healthy weight zone again. Hai. Why is this happening man?! Arghz!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Super Sunday!
Finally! A great day well spent! Haha. Had tuition in the morning first. Then went out with Pam, Kim and Berns. It has been a long long time since I'd last seen Pam and Kim. So obviously it was great to be able to catch up with them all. Hard to imagine that they have actually gone through another 6 months of livelihood abroad, since the last time I saw them was in December 07. It's even harder to comprehend the fact that they are returning only for a short while to visit their family and friends, before having to return back to foreign soil and continue their studies. Seriously man, one just requires great courage, bravery and determination to be living thousands of miles away from home independently. Doubt I'd be able to do that man. Lol. Anyway, henceforth, it is definitely essential that I arrange additional time to meet up with these overseas folks every now and then, before they have to pack their bags and leave sunny island for another 6 long months! Arghz!
Pam wanted desserts, and I thought since she haven't ate local food for quite some time now, she must surely miss it. So brought the four of us to Tanjong Pagar food centre for the famous Annie's peanut ice-kachang! Oh. I must mention that all were late can! Lol. I was the only one who stupidly arrived 40 minutes before the meeting time, only to have to wait for an hour and 20 minutes for their grand arrival. Haha. Furthemore, just nice I chose not to bring out my PSP on that day, thinking I wouldn't have much chance to use it, when then I realise it would have been so much easier to kill time with it. Oh wells. Not blaming anyone la, partly my fault for being too early. I'm just glad that all turned up in the end, so it doesn't really matter about who's late. I just find it real coincidental that I had not brought out my PSP on this very fateful day. Haha.
Thankfully the stall was still opened when we reached the food centre. Got 2 peanut ice-kachangs and 1 chendol. Yum yum man! Good to know that they enjoyed the desserts. Just that the environment wasn't very right for us to really chill out and have a good chat. So after awhile, when Kim had to leave, we headed to Suntec for Gloria Jeans coffee, recommended by Nic. Not bad I must say, especially for the Mango smoothie. The mint chocolate bomb I got was also quite good, although it gets harder to devour after half a cup. Haha. Then when Pam had to leave, Berns and me went for dinner at Raffles City. It was my first time trying Thai Express. And somehow I just felt that the menu didn't feel very Thailandish, but more Chinese. Didn't want to eat much spicy stuff so just got myself some sweet and sour fish with rice. Food's not bad, price is also quite reasonable. :)
Today just feels like a Saturday to me! Thankfully there wasn't a need to book in, unlike poor Berns. Heh. Anyway today is just great. Got to know more about Pam's and Kim's happenings, as well as planning the class mega birthday party bash. Haven't had such a great outing since freak knows when man! Really want my life back. Lol. Oh wells. Till then.
Pam wanted desserts, and I thought since she haven't ate local food for quite some time now, she must surely miss it. So brought the four of us to Tanjong Pagar food centre for the famous Annie's peanut ice-kachang! Oh. I must mention that all were late can! Lol. I was the only one who stupidly arrived 40 minutes before the meeting time, only to have to wait for an hour and 20 minutes for their grand arrival. Haha. Furthemore, just nice I chose not to bring out my PSP on that day, thinking I wouldn't have much chance to use it, when then I realise it would have been so much easier to kill time with it. Oh wells. Not blaming anyone la, partly my fault for being too early. I'm just glad that all turned up in the end, so it doesn't really matter about who's late. I just find it real coincidental that I had not brought out my PSP on this very fateful day. Haha.
Thankfully the stall was still opened when we reached the food centre. Got 2 peanut ice-kachangs and 1 chendol. Yum yum man! Good to know that they enjoyed the desserts. Just that the environment wasn't very right for us to really chill out and have a good chat. So after awhile, when Kim had to leave, we headed to Suntec for Gloria Jeans coffee, recommended by Nic. Not bad I must say, especially for the Mango smoothie. The mint chocolate bomb I got was also quite good, although it gets harder to devour after half a cup. Haha. Then when Pam had to leave, Berns and me went for dinner at Raffles City. It was my first time trying Thai Express. And somehow I just felt that the menu didn't feel very Thailandish, but more Chinese. Didn't want to eat much spicy stuff so just got myself some sweet and sour fish with rice. Food's not bad, price is also quite reasonable. :)
Today just feels like a Saturday to me! Thankfully there wasn't a need to book in, unlike poor Berns. Heh. Anyway today is just great. Got to know more about Pam's and Kim's happenings, as well as planning the class mega birthday party bash. Haven't had such a great outing since freak knows when man! Really want my life back. Lol. Oh wells. Till then.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
A Sore Soul
I have so much to say the words all got jumbled up in my mind. Hai. All that I can hope for now is time to pass real quickly. Looking forward to 1st of December, in which the prospects seem better in that time to come. Meanwhile, it shall be believing in faith, and enduring that shall keep me on! Words cannot express the utter misery in me. Hai.
I hope my weight stops plummeting! 54.5 kg! Last seen in J1! Arghz!
I hope my weight stops plummeting! 54.5 kg! Last seen in J1! Arghz!
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Bless the TPO
My mood to blog has been greatly nullified by the daunting task of carrying out guard duty tomorrow. Totally no inspiration to write anything, plus the mere fact that the extremities of sianness is just pushing me towards breaking point. Having this feeling of being unfairly treated that I have to do another weekend duty, when my weekend points are actually rather high compared to the weekday ones. If in any case, I should be carrying out more weekday duties, so what justifies me sacrificing a precious Sunday to carry out the duty? Just because I'm combat fit?! Or that too many people had down graded such that there's no able ones left to do the duty?! So I'm now being punished because I've been obedient all this while, that I've not created any trouble but simply abide to your bidding without ever showing signs of contempt or even protest?! Hence the message that you are trying to put across to me is that the well-behaved gets more of these nonsense while the down graded gets the better share all the time?! Seriously man, who am I kidding?! This is how TPO has been functioning all this time now, isn't it?! Hai. I freaking HATE TPO alright?! Damn to whatever more nonsense you can throw at me! Coz throw as much as you can right now, for I am now giving you my assurance that I'll wield that ultimate shield and protect myself! And then you'll just realise that it's YOUR VERY ACTIONS that have caused another ONCE committed soldier to turn to the dark side! The side of the down graders!!
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