I Held Your Hand

The warmth of your hand through that short, tight grip was what I have yearned for so long. How I wish it could have been longer, or it could have been forever. And yet I know, and have to tell myself, that it can never happen, will never happen.

The sadness within me, is beyond words describable. Who can I tell? Who can I express my sorrows to? I see no end to the misery I face, until I walk myself away from you. And yet, I simply cannot bring myself to do so.

I wish it could be much easier, that such feelings could be easily dealt with. Yet, I know, the pain that I bear, will just have to go on and on, until I move on.

I look forward, for that day to arrive.

-Allegro Cantabile

A crazy and really lucky journey! (Part 2)

Having settled the tickets, the next plan was to seek help from people who can speak English! The only place that came to my mind was the hostel that I had booked for us about 5 days later! A pre-check in visit would not do much harm I suppose. So, following the map on Berns’ lonely planet, we dragged our baggage and reached the hostel. To my surprise, the manager of the hostel, Oolgar, welcomed us so warmly! Learning of our plight, she offered to hold us up till we leave for the train at night. We must have asked her a million questions at that time; visa registration, places to exchange for rubles, cheaper taxis to get to the train station, where to have lunch, what to do with the remaining time, etc. Despite so, she offered her help relentlessly, providing us with all sorts of options for us to choose.

In the end, after settling the visa registration, we went opposite the hostel to get money exchanged and also some lunch. We then walked down some streets to have a sneak preview of Irkutsk, and got a simple daisy to thank Oolgar, which she loved so dearly! Haha. Back at the hostel, we rested and showered, while waiting for 8.45pm to arrive. When it finally did, after thanking Oolgar for her generosity, we got into a taxi which Oolgar called that could fit 5 people so nicely, and for a price of only 300 rubles! So cheap! Lol. Arriving at the train station once again, we got some snacks before boarding the train to Ulan Ude.

Being the first to board, and having told that my bed (seat) was 26, the first thing that struck me was the extreme heat in the train! Ventilation was almost zero, and so despite the cold Siberian weather outside the train, it was as hot as a Russian Banya inside it. I got to my bed, and learnt that with 4 beds in one section, there was a girl that looked like Korean and also 2 other kids, in the same section with me. With no idea what to do next, the Korean girl offered her help by suggesting to me to store my baggage. It was all in Russian, and so all the speaking became simple gesturing. Lol. My baggage was too huge, it could neither fit in the storage compartment that’s beneath her bed, nor could it fit beneath the table. In the end, she just told me to leave it beside her bed, which made me feel bad as it took up quite an amount of her leg room. Yet she reassured that it was alright. Oh wells, so nice of her!

I felt a great sense of relieve as the train departed for Ulan Ude. However, the next worry about the bus for Ust’-Barguzin haunted me for probably almost the entire night. I was hoping that luck would be on our side this time; that we can get to the bus station on time and that there will be seats available for the 5 of us!

So, arriving at Ulan Ude at 6.15am the next morning, we quickly rushed out of the train station for a taxi to the bus station. Language barrier once again struck upon us, and we soon realized that many of the taxis there were being taken up and disappearing!!!!! And then, like an angel sent from the heavens, the Korean girl must have seen our inability to communicate with the taxi drivers and once again, came up to us and offered her help. This part was funny! Using the lonely planet, we showed her the Bus Station and told her we would like to head to Ust’-Barguzin. She then said ‘You here not Ulan Ude’ and that gave me a shock of my life coz I thought she meant we had alighted at the wrong train station. What she actually meant was to ask us if we would be staying in Ulan Ude. Lol. Using Bern’s phone, she tried to call a taxi for us. Then just nice one taxi that looked like a mini-van, drove into the train station. Seeing that it could fit 5 of us so nicely, we tried to get the Korean girl to help us give instructions to the driver. Thankfully, the driver was willing to fetch all 5 of us at one go, though he also mentioned that it’s illegal and hence one of us have to do some hiding. Korean girl translated all this for us with the basic few English words that she know, and then she had to rush off as her family was waiting for her in another taxi. Thanking her profusely, we got onto our taxi and head off for the train station, for only 200 rubles! Time was 6.30am!

Arriving at the bus station, armed with Russian phrasebook and dictionary, Huiwen and Ying went to asked around for directions on getting the bus to Ust’-Barguzin. Being told by a group of people to wait at the same spot for the bus to come, when one bus just came in, seeing all of them rushing to board, we simply did the same, hoping that we can get seats for ourselves! Haha. It was only after boarding, then the bus driver said that the bus wasn’t going to Ust’-Barguzin, that got me real worried! Where then is that bus that is so vital for us to continue with the planned itinerary!!!!! Thankfully, the bus driver led us to the right one, which was more like a van rather All loaded up, the bus began its journey. It sure was an extremely bumpy ride, as we drove over dirt road filled with so many potholes. The bus driver sure was very skilled as well, swerving around these potholes at crazy speeds which I was certain were more than 100km/h! It’s like, one worry have to come after another, and this time, I was just hoping that we would all make it to Ust’-Barguzin, safe and sound!

Of course we did! After some 5 hours of a bumpy ride, the driver brought us straight to our home stay! Greeted by Galila, wife of Alexander Bekotov, she brought us to Natasha’s home, where I currently am right now. It sure feels so warm and homely over here, and relieved that we are finally back on track as planned on our itinerary.

My feelings are very mixed up. One thing for sure is that I am not feeling happy over all that’s happening now. Maybe a bit pissed off, tired and upset. But I guess that’s just nothing more than just my fault for choosing to feel this way. It’s a holiday after all! And I should just clear up all these negative emotions and truly go and enjoy the trip! Looking at the mountains around, knowing that I will be climbing one of them tomorrow, I sure am looking forward to the breath-taking views which I will be witnessing tomorrow when I reached the top! Hopefully, it will be easier than the Great Wall too! Haha. Alright. Till then.

A crazy and really lucky journey! (Part 1)

Seriously, I cannot believe that I am in Russia right now. The experience I must say has not been a pleasant one so far. Nonetheless, I am glad that we finally made it to the home stay in Ust’-Barguzin. That is after some countless hours of consistent travelling.

Let’s just start from the beginning. My worst nightmare came true when our flight from Beijing to Irkutsk got delayed. The ETD was originally 2.35am and ETA at 6.05am local time. The delay was due to bad fog which greatly reduced visibility in Irkutsk and therefore make for unsafe flying. It was very important for us to reach Irkutsk as soon as we can, for we had a train to catch at 10.21am to Ulan Ude. Furthermore, those tickets were already purchased! So, what was originally announced as a 1 hour delay turned out to be a whopping 2.5 hours in the end! Landing in Irkutsk at 9am, I thought there was still hope for us to catch our train. Little did I expect the custom procedures in the Irkutsk airport to be so horrible! To begin with, this little airport of Irkutsk is extremely rundown. Furthermore, the airport facilities seem designed to cater to only one plane load of passengers at any one time; only 4 counters for immigration and one single conveyer belt!!!!! Clearing customs at the immigration counter was also another bad experience. With only 4 counters, the locals actually have no dedicated lanes for them, and so have to be in the same queue with the foreigners. And apparently, foreigners take extremely long to clear the customs, and so guess what?! The locals simply just do not give a damn about queuing and forcibly cut into our queue! Arghz!

Then, the final thing that hit me real hard and made me lose much of my morale was the language barrier. I honestly did not expect the English literacy of the locals to be so bad! Probably like only 1 in every 100000 of the locals can speak English! Having to waste even more time so as to get some information from the locals with Russian which I barely know much, I got real irritated with the people, and also with myself.

Finally, after knowing that in Russia, you only need to declare if you have baggage weight greater than 50kg, or carry more than US$1500, Nic and I walked out of the airport first. Coz Berns and Huiwen were still inside waiting for their baggage and the plan was for both Nic and I to find out how to get the train tickets. It was only then did I realize that Berns, Huiwen and Ying didn’t have rubles with them! Haha. So in the end, we had to wait for them outside the airport, while agreeing with some taxi guy who will provide us with 2 taxis to get to the train station at 500 rubles each. That’s 1000 rubles altogether, 200 each, about 10 sgd, for a distance of only 4km! Come to think of it now, it sure does feel like a rip off. Oh wells.

When we reached the train station, it was already 10.50am. At that point in time, I was very sure that the train had most definitely left without us. Going to a random counter, I passed the e-tickets which I had bought online, in exchange for the genuine Russian train tickets; hoping that something good will come out of it. Seeing that the lady in the counter chuckled slightly when she saw the e-tickets, it confirmed my fears knowing that we had missed the train. Funny thing was that she continued to print the tickets for us, only to tell us in the end that the train was gone! With the Russian phrasebook, we then tried to ask tickets for the next train available. Thankfully, there was one at 9.50pm, with 5 3rd class beds available for us!!! I was so grateful for that, as Russian trains get fully booked real quickly and therefore quite impossible to get tickets for trains that depart on the same day as they were purchased! Furthermore, the lady was extremely patient with us, trying to tell us that she had helped us cancelled our pre-booked tickets, giving a refund of 300 rubles each. So come to think about it, the losses were not that great! Lol. However, getting an overnight train also meant that we couldn’t have much views while along the trans-siberian railway. The accommodation which I had booked in Ulan Ude had to be given up as well. Furthermore, arriving only at 6.15am, and then having to rush to the bus station to catch a bus to Ust’-Barguzin at 7.30am, meant no time for us to visit Ulan Ude at all! It was quite a waste indeed! :(

Exams Begin!

Once again! The dreaded finals for Sem 2 has arrived! I'm having my MOM paper tomorrow! Wish me luck! I hope I can do the paper! Shall go sleep now! Nites!

Old liao...

As usual, the same old phrase, time seriously flies! Each time I come up here and blog, I realised that there must be quite some distinct amount of time that has passed by, considering how infrequent I blog these days. This time round, I have to write, to remember that I turned another year older on this very day!

And so I'm now 22 years old. Feels kind of old. Like, I was still sweet 21 moments ago, and then now I'm 22. Haha. Oh wells. At least this birthday wasn't so bad afterall. Of course, I was suppose to be mugging, considering my exams are coming in just 3 short days time! But then, the mood to mug just wasn't there. And really, I cannot blame myself for that right! Haha. It's a special day for me! I should be out celebrating, and not brutally forcing information into my ever saturated brain! I think I will regret this at some point in time later, (I think that feeling is starting to sink in now :S) heck! I cannot be bothered! Haha.

It started since last Sunday actually! Haha. Celebrated with my family first, as always! It was a week earlier coz father had to work in Malaysia, and mother wanted to go over and visit him. Which means they ain't around today. That's why! But it doesn't matter. It's always the thought that counts!

Then yesterday! So nice of Benjamin (I'm sure you are reading this! haha!) to come all the way down to my house to have dinner nearby! Had some ramen at rail mall which I myself did not even know that it existed! And the ramen was seriously good! Thanks a lot for the birthday treat man! Meet up again after exams!

Then at the stroke of midnight! Sister and her friend, both who went out for Mayday's concert, came back with a small cake for me! Really sweet of them! So at least I get to blow a cake on my actual day! That makes a birthday more like one, and got me real happy! Thank you sis!

As for this morning, I went out to give tuition as usual. After that, while on the way home, I dropped by at Bukit Batok East Avenue area to do 2 things, buy 4D and donate money! Haha. This time round, being 22 years old, I donated 22 bucks to the Red Cross Society. Hope that small birthday gift of mine will make a small difference to people around me who are less fortunate! Then of course! Hoping that I'll have some birthday luck, I went to get some 4D! Unfortunately, I was quite late. My birth date number '0418' got sold out on the big bets. Could only buy the small bets. Haha. Oh wells. In the end the number did not come out! '1804' came out instead! Lol. Nevermind. Shall try again next year. Haha.

Dinner was real good too! I think it's really fated that I had to have Domino's pizza for dinner! Coz originally I had the intention to just cook noodles to settle dinner. Then around 7pm, it began pouring real heavily and so I rushed around the house closing the windows. While closing the windows, guess what I saw? The Domino's motorbike with the delivery man! And then that got me wondering! I should at least be having a decent meal on my birthday right! Haha. Furthermore, Domino's meant more than just pizzas to me! It's quite a significant form of food coz I had that during my birthday last year while I was in the US! It just reminded me so much of WAT! Lol. And so, you can just imagine my delight when I see the spread of Domino's pizza and bread sticks over the dining table! It was absolutely yummy! And I just love it loads! :)

The rest is facebook stuff! Xm painted a cake for me, by using the paint tool you have on your windows! Lol. Nice cake! Reminds me so much of my 21st birthday cake! Lol. More friends who wished me, one after another, really appreciated that! Even more friends wished me as well, through calls, smses, msn and wall posts on facebook! I am so grateful to be loved by so many around me! Birthdays always never fail to give you this magical feeling, isn't it! :)

And so, not too bad a day! 22 years old now, may the days ahead be filled with more exciting events ahead to enrich my life! Right now, it's back to mugging! Till then! :)

Today, I stepped on the stage, once again!

It felt real good today, to be standing in front of an audience once again and perform for them! It was a short lunch time concert that was conducted in NIE. Purpose? It was actually my final assessment for the unrestricted elective which I had picked up at the start of the semester; it's called Percussion II, because in the previous semester, Percussion I was already conducted. Hence, with just a small class size of merely 20 students, coming from very varied backgrounds, we performed 4 percussion ensembles together! I guess the concert went through quite smoothly overall. No doubt there were some minor mistakes made by players, including me, but I believe in the end, everyone sure did a great job!

It's just so amazing! I've got to really thank Darius for helping me to get this elective. I missed the audition for this class, which was conducted during the first week of school. Back then, I remembered myself frantically seeking for another elective to cough up sufficient academic units (AUs) for this semester! I was trying desperately to get Business Finance, but to no avail. Thus, I thought about doing an unrestricted elective, and decided to go with this percussion module. It was only then that I realised Darius was already in it, and being Mr Nice Guy, he helped me loads, by emailing the tutor and getting another audition arranged for me! Which in the end wasn't really much of an audition! Haha. Coz all I did for it, was walked into the room, wrote down my particulars and also 'Piano Grade 8' for music background. The tutor then came by, browse through what I've written, and said, 'Alright! Piano grade 8. You passed the auditions!' LOL!

And then amazingly, 10 weeks of lessons have passed by so quickly! I guess I will miss this class quite a lot! It's really a very relaxing elective; 3 AUs worth, but only 2 hours a week! On top of that, no tutorials, nothing much to study. It's merely just taking out some time to practice, and as for the rest, it's plainly just having loads of fun, making music once again, especially after leaving the band scene for close to half a decade! Seriously, what more can I ask for? (Hopefully an A for this elective! Hahahahahaha!) The tutor, Mr Lim, rocks too! He's extremely patient, very dedicated, and at the same time humorous. I like how my friend describes him, occasionally he's an adult, and yet at times he behaves like a child! Also, I'll most definitely miss all the new friends I've made. There's especially this bunch, really funny people that will just bring nothing but never ending laughter to each and everyone! Reminds me a lot about old band days! It's a bit too short I must say, having only 10 weeks worth of time to come together to make music! Hopefully there will be future opportunities for us to work together again! :)

Knowing I have worked hard practicing countless number of times, it was awesome to be able to stand on the stage once again, bearing that strong feeling of confidence believing that I will deliver a good performance to my audience! And sure enough, I believe I have done so! Haha. Though there were minor mistakes here and there, I'm glad to know that in the end, the audience were delighted with the performance. It just makes you feel that all the hard work you have put in has paid off. Coz after all, a performer is seeking nothing more than just merely hoping his work could bring fun and joy to the audience! Rah! All this talking really is building a brand new desire in me to join band once again! Haha.

Alright then! This surely has been a very enriching, entertaining, and extremely enjoyable elective! Hopefully I'll be able to get another one as fun as this one next semester! Haha. That's it for now!

D=

While walking back home today, I noticed that the evening sky was an exceptional light blue, with puffy little white clouds dotted it. Flowers of all sorts of radiant colours bloomed along the path which I was walking; must have been due to the long and heavy downpour this morning. I felt a slight cool breeze brushing across my face, smelling the wonders of nature and its beauty. It was so pretty; full of lightness, full of optimism; there was simply so much life in it! Yet sadly, my heart was the exact opposite; hard, cold and heavy!

It happened about 2 weeks ago, again! The sudden plunge into nothingness, the feelings of being lost totally; it all surged right upon me at one go. My mind went astray. All kinds of thoughts keep flooding through. It's like I had lost all sense of control, failing to stop the negative thoughts from coming through. In that way, I sank deeper. I had no strength to fight back, thus allowing these thoughts to just manifest in my mind. I felt absolutely horrid and miserable.

I told myself, it's just a phase, and hope it'll go away soon. Meanwhile, all the symptoms were exactly the same as the previous times I experienced this. I particularly took note of one of it, which was not being able to sleep well. I would just wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, and then have difficulty going back to sleep. That made me real crappy the following day. I also tried to find out what had caused this. I felt that I was perfectly normal before it happened. Hence, there certainly must be a trigger point for which I would sink into this crap once again right?

I honestly hate this! It's so psychologically draining, as I have to struggle to keep myself from going crazy. Have to keep telling myself to stay optimistic, to only have positive thoughts, to not let the negative ones conquer my mind. It was a constant battle for my consciousness, for I fear that the moment I slacken and allow myself to unwind a little, all this crap would return instantly to haunt me again. It sucks, so much so that I wish to just give up. But I cannot do that right? That's just not me. I have been living with this all the while, and each time it has happened, I managed to overcome it and be back to normal. So how can I just choose to give up now?

Hai. So 2 weeks have passed, and yes, I'm much better right now. It's just that now and then, these heavy feelings of misery will set in, just like now. Oh wells. What more can I do? All I wish is that after this is over, I hope it will not return in a long time to come.

I just want to be normal and optimistic. So please let me.